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32, Male
San Jose,CA
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I'm a College student in San Jose, CA . I like rpg, shooting, & strategy games (I. E. RUNESCAPE). I have a myspace account. I like to go on Youtube a lot because of the free videos. you can say i'm a addict.

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re :Rough times III

2015-05-09 14:17:39 by Paladin82

IT IS a new day, but yet at the same time, I'm almost more depressed that I've ever been in a long time.   Most of the people I've tried to befriend on this campus can not feel either more compassion, or some at least to my my level.   Most of the girls I've approached  have boyfriends,they're usually not around at the time, or they'd not like me because of how my approach is.    -.-  I admit that I'm old enough to let things pass, but I still have feelings, and shit.   I can't pretend most things that are personal, or non work related cant harm me.    <.<   There are  a few girls I've recently met but even then the nice ones, dont' see any future with me.   I really do blame fate just cuss its something I've not let happen naturally.    the old saying is true, that things will come in their own time, but then agian, trying to do that, or believe that  will always mean that you have a fate that isn't yours.   IN other words,  its like saying,  "I believe in destiny"  or none of my future or my future " social endeavors " are all but uncertain, because at this pace, I'm not sure wether I should contiune to be the "nice guy"   I honestly, believe nice guys do finish last however, that's probably not the case in my situation, this time.... anyway.

I've been in a class with most of the girls are at least 18 years old, but even then, EVEN for a full semester, they woldn't think i'm ..."normal"    It does hurt more times than I can admit.  Yet at the same time,  talking to another person who've i'ved tried to confide in, who isnt really  a confidant.   I wont lie about this next part though,  I'm not that comfortable with a  lesbian friend, not that its a bad thing, but how could I function about that friendship, when she herself clamied she wont stay in california for a long time.    "I will move back to Florida"    I do respect her and that she has a girlfriend/ Partner but even then, it makes my situation even more desperate to find a "suitable-Partner"      <.<    I've had this year  almost more thoughts of hurting myself, just because of how tired, or hurt I am or was.     I don't know why I feel jealousy sometimes toward some guys in my class of   Basic Catering but I really sholdn't just because it is also either their first semester or 2nd semester.    Most of the friends , I've tried to befriend, are too young to get their own alcoholoic drinks, or are too immature, to admit , they don't care.

I'm a bit tired, so it is 11: 15 am    pausing this for a whil..  Two girls still stand in mymmind and heart.  One person Named Kathleen nguyen is only 19 years old, and yes she would be litterally  11 years younger than me, but even still I think of her almost constantly, when I "self heal"  about my body.  oddly  enough I've been thru a  few dry spells.  I don't know what it is about her that makes me feel sad, fun, and self awared more than any one else??? but its her that brings most of my priorities back in to persperctive.    I would say, she's another step toward my continuing and progessive future, but at the same time, she has no interest in me, or at lesat what I can bring to the table.   I am not looking to marry this girl, but even if she is physically under 5 ' 3"  she's still okay at least IMO, and I don't want to lose that self respect, albeit  some what twisted, back to me.    I've seen her at my presentation when I made adobo, but the last time I saw her, hours.... she only had  13 hours?      She needs to get  more mature than her age shows, but at the same time, I do not want to infringe upon her own ideas with my own.   she has to , at some point, come to realize what  a  friend I can be, or a pal, I can be, just because.   <_<  I'm typing alot but I'm not entirely  with out my  flaws.   I am human after all.    Kathleen has a happy attitude with other people, (sometimes its just guys)  but when it comes to me, its like I'm acutally pushing  her to her limits, in patience.   She treats me almost differently from the guys in class.  Maybe because I'm older.  or that  most of the guys in the class are at least 5-8 years younger.   I'm seriusly  tired now, of the chase.p.. so to speak.. we'll let nature take over only because its something..... I don't normally see my self containing..... so to speak!!!!    I'm  a bit tired because I woke up early.   

to be.....   11:20 am,     9 May 201  back

its already 11:50  m,  and  I don't feel any better I some what feel more horney now, even when i did go thru my ,self healing this morning, its very strange and yet at the same time, its both comforting and not as high pressured because of the pressure I just released.   :D   yes I am talking about sex and sexual tention, and sexual Activity.  However , in my own defense its not the fact that I still obsess on certain  sex topics but the hard honest truth is, I want to share that with some guys and women who feel the same way.   <_>  lets face it though, the hard facts about this college is, not a lot of people are  "sensually-Dating"  or how I would else put it, hooking up, just because it is there, and available.  I shouldn't have left before  5 pm last night, even though I wasn't getting any hazard pay, or any pay for that matter, but the guy who was in charge, didn't bother to ask me, or other people  if we ate or not.   I really only  stayed because Alicia Ruiz was there, and she made all the trainging, (withoutpay) all the worth while.  However after she left, I didn't really have much  a  reason, or anyone to stay, longer than 4:30 pm.    <.<  ther are many times, I could just see mnyself killing myself, over stupid shit, or even loss of heart, should my  feelings are at its low and I don't get to often express them that much.  m This typing, is primarily for myself, and the school I go to":   Mission College , Santa Clara,  CA    and yet  no one really uses  and a few more websites, at this time I do  not wish to incline or add on here.    Its 2 minutes to  12 noon, and I have nothing to show for what I've not done.   I want to go back to the massage parolor place.   However every time I go back I end up paying  100-$130 dollars for a  70 dollar  back massage.    The tips I leave are usually  good, but in my case, unless I'm working a part time job, an official part time ,  I would start saving whats lef   , I cant type that usually means a disturbance in my  force.   Or my concentration.    @_@   

To be....    may 9, 2015   12:00 pm.


It is been almost  6 hours since I chatted today, and yet at the same time  it is   13th of may , in the year of God 2015 ad.  however, I'm here back at  Evergreen Valley College,  and  yet at the same time, I feel all the bad crap that has  made be feel completely, unworthy of attention.  I'm glad that most of the time,  people try to do their own shit, yet it makes me appreciate more, the help I'm getting , at  Mission college.   Oddly enough, I seem to get back to what Doesn't help me, only because its  a cause.   I've been officially been kicked out of a house, I was  "renting"  and I use that  term loosely because the land-Lady and one of the other tennants , Joy,   was  a good friend of hers, however I don't believe what I've said was wrong either,  it is   18:50 and  I've been here at the station of a laptop for   a while, now..   Also new that I've seen almost a glimpse of what my  future daughter-would look like if I married Gabby Montenegro.    Oddly  she doesn't seem to be attracted to me,  yet at the same time I'm not turning her off.   She does however like to chat, and   (yes pun intended)   gab about people. or ... in my case,  ME.   :L    Jennifer was, annonced as  half filipina.   I almost forgot I need to delete or edit , a posting of the SOUTH VALLEY YMCA.... which I will do now..    to be...    ::  Status update,  it is  18:55 and its   May 13, 2015.    

The funnything was I was going to say its,  1953.  lol.  For some reason, I wanted to say I was born in 1953, just to see how other people would react.   the Library is opened till 8 pm, but then again its already 7 pm.  :L   oddly enough when I go down stairs,  I'll see the :girl  who litterally  made me question, myself, my  sexuality and even my  own believe's..  I do not know wether to trust her , once again.  However If I was asked, I wouldnt go against my instincets of saying yes.   I never should have asked her,   "would you like to be friends,    friends with benefits"   I only see that as  a bad line now.   Sadly,  I'm pushing or fighting nature, because I believe that  Fate has caused this pain and suffereing for me.   <.<   fates are not on my side, despite the fact I want to be, secretly, Athena's  solider of dedicational perversion.  :)    Oddly , as much as I want to prayu to aphrodite, I cant trust that she wont take it the wrong way.    Goddesses aren't supposed to be that spiteful, or that cruel to a mortal who  doesn't deserver that much,we'll call it punishment.   <_>   I'm not needed  by anyone, nor would I be cared about in the next 3 years.   Sadly  I felt I would not be seeing my  34th birthday, due to a really  Jealous, or  crazy ex friend, who is a female, that from my past I've wronged her,   yet at the same time,  I wouldn't  really  try to know what I've done to wrong her.   :L  Sex is a  weapon and a weakness, to me.   I've felt that even with the therapy seessions, going about mission college, it doesn't make sense.   :(  :(  at times I feel as if I want to really cut myself.  and or  male my suicide like, it was planned by someone else.   I'm very depressed to thepoint, that even considering of killing my life, here.    This time, would be a good idea.   I"d be less bills to most people, or I'd at least be out of this time line , while alive.    (going back to Mission College)    Kathleen Nguyen, finally knows who paid for her dinner, but then agian, for a person her age,  she's most likely  going to forget and  still take for granted , what I've done for her.     :L  I' really don't expect her to have  full on sex with me, but   for that one moment when I was outside, also waiting on Chef Brunson.  I'm expected  to behave in a  gentle-man manner.  I'm growing tired of being  the chaser,  NO SERIOUSLY,  I'm really growing tired ofg not seeing results.   I will pause this for now, opnly because I need to continue my world of warcraft experience, and at least do something worth while.   :)      good luck to Kathleen T. Nguyen and her endeavors, even if she might not be willing to go to Mission college full time during  2015 summer.  

(19:05) To be...